NEVERMORE.

I’m so torn between decisions right now. I don’t know what to do.

Ugh. Here I go on a pointless rant once again. My emotions are thrown all over the place, and I keep trying to fight my thoughts. I’m stuck in the same shitty hole once again & it’s all my fault. Am I ever going to be happy? What happened to me? .. I was always happy, always smiling - and I wasn’t faking it. Seems that side of me is now nonexistent. I don’t even know what riled these emotions up to be honest. Maybe the fact I will always merely be just a “thing”, nothing else. No one will ever look at me and think I’m something special. I’m not. I’m nothing. It’s come to the point now, that I automatically think I’m worthless. No one could ever love me, or want me. How could they? I hate myself, everything about me is disgusting.

I decide to sleep my days away, cause I don’t want to deal with these thoughts anymore. I’m slowly pushing more & more people away without even realizing before they are gone. I feel as if my thoughts are slowly starting to destroy me. Am I always going to be alone, sad, miserable, broken, torn, angry, ugly, fat. A million things running through my head, what I don’t understand is I’m fine one day, and back to this the next. I’m so done with feeling this way. I wish I could disappear, be happy again. I want to be who I used to be. Not this person. I don’t like how I treat others, I don’t like crying. I need someone to hug me & tell me everything’s going to be okay, that I am worth something, that someone will love me.I need to start living in the ”now”. Instead of regretting the past and worrying about the future.

/rant done. 

What is happiness anyways?